What a hassle
by jackravenrobyn
Summary: if you walked in and found your roomate-to-be for the next year molesting a chocolate bar, you would be weirded out too, right?
1. Chapter 1

This is something that my perverted mind came up with, so if you don't like it don't read. And certainly no flaming! Rated M for language and later chapters. I have everything typed up already, so there shouldn't be any long gaps like there have been with previous fics…*cough* I'll stop talking now XD

* * *

><p>Okay. This is more than weird. There's a guy molesting a chocolate bar with his mouth in my dorm. Just ignore him and dump your stuff –<p>

"Quit tongue-raping the chocolate!"

I tell you, if looks could kill I would be dead right now. But they can't, phew. The guy gets up lazily with a creak of leather and –

Leather? Leather vest top way too short and really tight leather trousers. And when I say tight, I mean –

SMACK! He hit me! He slapped me in the face!

"I'll tongue-rape whatever I want, thank you."

Wait, is he…? He_ Is_! He's _eye_ raping me now!

"Just coz you're jealous…"

Jealous? Of being tongue raped?

"Fuck you!"

"Maybe I will…"

He takes a step forward and starts with the eye raping again.

"Hate to burst your bubble, Blondie, but I aint homo."

I'm satisfied with that. Where was i…? Oh yes, unpacking.

BANG! There he goes again with the violence. Ah. There is literally no space between me and the wall. And him for that matter.

"_What_ did you just call me?"

Whoa, someone needs to go to anger management.

"Blondie."

Way to go, Mattie. Piss off the guy you have to live with for the next year within the first hour!

Ack. Maybe he's just a vampire. Please stop biting me you –

"Ow!"

He pulls back with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"Call me Mello. Anything else will earn you a kick up the arse, got it?"

Does he get a kick out of molesting things or something?

"Sure thing babe!"

He sinks his teeth into the other side of my neck, harder this time. Shit! As my scream fades away, I turn into maniac mode.

"Get off me you bastard! I swear I'm gonna kill you after this! Get off you stupid little fucktard!"

The door opens halfway through my rant, so I look to it. Maybe someone can help me?

Well, that's weird. Two expressionless boys stand there.

"Mello should not let his temper get the better of him." The one with white hair states in monotone.

I get squashed between the wall and Mello even more than before. His body has gone rigid and I'm finding it hard to breathe. Why won't he get off of me?

EEK! Tongue. He's tongue-raping my neck!

"Fuck! I aint a bar of chocolate, you know! Go molest that instead!"

I'm not his chocolate! Why does he keep doing this? Think, what can I do?

Ahah! I jerk my knee upwards and shove him away. Retreat! Retreat!

Damn, he reacts fast. He punches me in the stomach and throws me face down on my bed. This isn't looking good –

WHOA! Leather straddling my arse isn't helping me, think happy thoughts…oh

He only wanted to whack me on the back of my head with a textbook. Ouch. It actually hurts.

I wriggle round so I'm on my back – with him straddling me (Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!).

I tear the book from his grasp and head-butt him. Ow! That's definitely going to hurt in the morning.

Before I can kick him off, he has me by the throat and is cutting off my windpipe…bastard. Why couldn't _I_ kick _his _arse?

Owww! My head… my throat… my neck… I groan and open my eyes to see the black and white haired guys standing over me.

"He lives." The one with black hair states in monotone.

"You could have killed him, Mello." The white haired one also states in monotone.

What, are they twins or something?

Mello – I can see out of the corner of my eyes – is happily molesting his chocolate again.

"Deserved it though."

His cocky voice winds me up.

"Don't deny it Mello. You just wanted to straddle me, didn't you?" I croak out quietly

"What? I'm not homo, you freak!"

He's put his chocolate down and is preparing for another showdown.

"Could've fooled me…"

He launches off his bed at me, but the one with black hair – he's actually quite tall when he stands up straight – catches him mid-jump and carries him out of the door after saying "Near, I'm taking Mello somewhere to cool off. If that's okay with you?"

"Yes L."

Near? L? Mello? People have such strange names here.

"You shouldn't provoke him. Mello has trouble controlling his temper."

Hell, I'm gonna do it again. Even if it's just to see his reaction. He's so funny when he's angry.

* * *

><p>be nice? :)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

"I call dibs on the bathroom next!"

He looks such a mess, having just woken up. His girly hair is sticking in all directions, and _seriously _knotted. I wouldn't like to have to deal with that on a daily basis.

Mello glares at Near and me, challenging us to oppose him. He doesn't look as intimidating though, looking far from his immaculate self. Its actually quite funny.

What the heck – I can't resist that!

"Move that skinny arse, Mells, I'm going in next!"

"Oh, so you've been looking at my arse, have you?"

"No. like I said before; I aint homo."

"How would you know about my arse then?"

"Well, you flaunt it around in a strippers outfit, how could I not?"

"Stripper? Why you little whore!"

He launches himself at me, clawing my bare chest (I sleep in boxers) with his long nails. Owowow! They leave large red welts that sting like crazy.

The nails thing only backs up my argument, but im too busy trying to defend myself to point it out.

"_I'm_ the whore? You dress like one_ and_ act like one!"

I spot what he's about to do too late. He bites down one the flesh covering my left collar bone.

Let me tell you: he bites hard. Trust me, being his substitute chocolate I have experience.

"ARGH! Get off you friggin' homo!"

I try to beat him off, but he holds fast. Think Mattie! What to do…

No. Ew. Actually … that might just work…

Before I can back out I reach down and squeeze his boxer clad arse.

He releases me and quickly backs off, looking horrified.

"Don't bite me." I mutter as an explanation. "I got three hickeys now and I can't hide them…your fault…not gay."

It's true though. I can't hide them, and if anyone finds out they're from a _guy_, I'll never be able to step out of the dorm again.


	3. Chapter 3

let the creeping begin.

be warned!

* * *

><p>So the arse squeezing thing kept Mello off my back for a grand total of two days.<p>

That was, until he caught me smoking. I was working on my laptop, thinking I was alone in the dorm.

"Do you imagine it's a dick? The cigarette, I mean."

Dammit, why can't I ever get some peace away from him?

"No, coz I aint homo like you are."

"Do you reckon L does when he's sucking a lollipop?"

"You can hardly talk Mells. Have you seen yourself suck off a chocolate bar?"

"I-I don't suck it off! I just flaming eat the stuff!"

"Yes you do. Probably get off with your left hand while holding it in your right."

"For your information, Matt, I get off with my right hand. Unlike you, who has no dick to get off with."

Oh, is that how it's going to be then? Bring it!

"Oh, but I do, and you'll never be able to measure up against it."

"Oh yeah? Wanna bet? There's no _way_ you're bigger than me!"

Shit…how did it get to this? Abort! Abort!

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"My, my, Mattie! What a gay thing to say!"

He crawls over and sits in my lap, moving my laptop out of reach.

"Just coz you're jealous."

Foot in mouth! Why am I saying this? This is Mello! Everything is perverted in his eyes! He doesn't need any encouragement!

"Oh, we'll soon see about_ that_!"

Before I can even process what he's saying, I'm pinned down with Mello straddling me once more.

"W-wait! What are you doing?"

He undoes my belt and throws it to the floor.

"Calling your bluff."

He undoes my jeans and pulls them down so they bunch around my knees.

"N-no! stop!"

Shitshitshitshit!

"Too late for that, Mattie."

He looks hungry as he says this, but soon gasps when he pulls off my boxers.

"See something you like?"

He looked as stunned as when I grabbed his arse the other day.

Payback time.

"Now that I've shown you mine, you have to show me yours."

He squeals in fright and leaps off my bed. I rearrange my clothes to where they're supposed to be before picking him up and pinning him to my bed – like he did to me.

He doesn't try to fight back or protest, he just lets me strip his lower half – with some difficulty due to the leather – and expose him.

"Shit, Mello…"

I blow cold air on his dick, fascinated when he squirms and blushes.

"…impressive."

He's still lying there, almost in a daze, so I decide to help him out. Well, it's more that I don't want L or Near walking in while he's half nude on my bed.

I pull his clothes back on with as much difficulty as it was to get them off. When I finish he seems to snap out of it.

"Matt…you're…wow."

"And don't you know it!"

OWW! It seems Mello is back to his usual self – including biting my neck. Damn him! It had just started healing, too!

So what do I do? I move to his neck and bite him hard. Nice one, Mattie!

He groans into my neck and tightens his jaws. I'll just have to get him back in a different way then, if that won't work.

I lick the skin between my teeth to distract him from what else I'm doing. I gently squeeze his crotch, which working in getting him off of me. Yes! Strike one for Mattie!

Or would it be two? Are we even counting now?

He hovers on the far side of the room, watching me with an unreadable expression on his face.

I get up and bend to pick up my abandoned belt – it doesn't feel comfortable not wearing one.

He spanks me and quickly runs from the room, leaving behind the sound of a giggle.

"I'll get you back for that!"

I yell after him. Enough distractions, I _really_ need to finish this off. Back to work it is then.


	4. Chapter 4

So. Everyone's at class then? Might as well take a shower; it's not like I get the chance to without anyone walking in on me very often.

There's no lock on the door you see – Mello broke it in one of his fits of anger. He also broke the door clear off its hinges. Hence the lack of privacy. The door won't be fixed for another week.

I don't bother getting clean clothes – I'll be out before the others are back anyway. I strip out of my clothes on the way to the bathroom and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

The boy looking back at me looks like he hasn't slept in a week and is way too skinny – the bones stick out from the skin more than they have ever done before. There are dark purple bruises over his neck and upper torso, courtesy of vampire-fetish boy. Damn, I look a mess.

The hot water is soothing as it hits my back. I groan as the temperature slowly warms me and I hear a snigger over the sound of the spray.

No, I must have been imagining it.

An arm wraps itself around my stomach, confirming that I _hadn't_ been imagining it. The arm pulls me towards the body it's attached to, and I catch a brief glimpse of dripping wet blond hair.

"Fuck me, Matt! And you say _my_ arse is skinny?"

He trails his hand down to the area he mentioned, but I just don't care anymore.

"No thanks. Please get out."

"Why should i? the funs just about to start!"

He moves the hand on my stomach downwards, with a determined look on his face.

"For God's sake, Mello! I'm not gay! Can't you just leave me alone for once?"

Now get out of there Mattie! Ack! Towel! You need a towel you fool!

I sit on my bed with the towel tied around my waist as I wait and watch Mello storm out of the dorm.


	5. Chapter 5

Mello's different after that. He ignores me completely and is more violent, threatening and obnoxious towards everyone else. I think nobody has noticed the change in him though.

As usual, I am wrong.

"Matt. A word please?"

Damn, I should have known. L doesn't miss a trick. Quick, play innocent!

"What's on your mind, L?"

"What did you do to Mello? He may not show it, but it has upset him greatly."

Oh, this is rich! Automatically assume it's my fault, why don't you?

"_My_ fault? _He_ was the one who started touching me while I was trying to take a shower!"

"Under his tough guy façade, he is just like any other person. He feels hurt, happiness…even love. Please try to remember that."

* * *

><p>THUD! THUD! THUD! Look sharp! Mello's coming!<p>

I throw myself onto my bed and hurry to flick on my DS and start playing.

BANG! He kicks open the door and stalks over to his bed. He stops dead upon seeing the bar of chocolate and note I had just put there. He slowly picks them up, unsure whether or not they're real.

Mello.

Look, I'm sorry about the other day. I didn't mean to be mean or anything. So yeah, here's some chocolate (I won't complain about you tongue-raping it either) and if you REALLY want to, you can bite/tongue-rape me as well (I won't complain about that either, BUT the offer ends at sundown). So, yeah, I hope we can be friends again?

Matt.

XXX

"Mattie!"

He crushes me into the bed in a bear hug, confirming that he's not always as tough as he makes out to be. Damn L, why did he have to be right?

He sits up and starts tongue-raping the chocolate again. While straddling me. With a horny look on his face. Oh crap.

He pulls off my shirt and I instantly regret adding the part about letting him tongue-rape me, too. He grins like a maniac before revealing a bottle of chocolate sauce. No, where the hell did he get that from?

He upends the bottle and pours it over my chest and stomach.

"AAH! Cold!"

"Not for long!"

He leans down and licks at the chocolate sauce, moaning in pleasure. He carries on until the door opens again. Why me?

He looks up guiltily – he had been caught. Is that..?

Haha, no way! His face is covered in chocolate sauce. I can't help but laugh. He gives me a killer glare, and I fall silent again, but cannot completely wipe the grin off of my face.

"Hahhh!"

I have no choice but to squirm away. He's decided to tongue-rape a chocolate covered nipple. And whatever it was he was doing before is _nothing_ in comparison.

His tongue dances and swirls, all the while pleasuring. I moan and try to buck him off of me, but he holds fast

"Near, I think it would be best if we leave them alone."

No! My saviours have gone! What did I do to deserve –

EEP! Is it really necessary to grind against me? Oh god, he's hard. I hope it's because of the chocolate. But wouldn't that make me right when I accused him of getting off over it?

He suddenly bites – ever so gently – which causes me to moan in a curious mixture of pain infused pleasure. Maybe I'm becoming masochistic?

How long is it until sundown exactly?

"Where are you going?"

He sits at the foot of my bed, tongue-raping the chocolate I gave him. He doesn't even try to bother hiding the fact that he's hard. In trousers that tight, I'm surprised he's not in agony right now.

"Shower. All sticky."

"Get a little over-excited did we?"

I flip him the bird and stalk into the – still doorless – bathroom. I turn on the shower and crank up the temperature as high as it will go. That's nice. Very…relaxing.

"Matt?"

I sigh as he snakes an arm around my hips.

"Yes?"

I glance behind me and notice that he is blushing, and trying to hide the fact by looking away.

"I-I wondered if you could help me with a problem?"

"The one I noticed when you were grinding against me?"

"Uh…I…yes."

I switch our positions so that he is the one leaning against me.

Why am I even doing this? It's not like I'm gay or anything!

He's squirming _way_ too much and grinding his arse into – well, an uncomfortable place. I think he's not doing it on purpose.

"Faster Mattie! NGH!"

"We have decided to spend the night elsewhere, goodbye!" Near yells from the other room.

I immediately release Mello and back away until I hit a tiled wall. What was I doing? Straight guys don't toss off other guys. I turn and hit my head against the wall in frustration.

"Mattie…please?"

He sounds so human, that in that moment I could not have refused no matter how much I wanted to.

Minutes later, his screams of ecstasy ricochet off the walls as he slumps into my arms.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, we were back to our usual selves.

"Yo, bitch! You going to the party tonight?"

Mello yelled at me from the other side of the calculus room.

"Yeah. Why, do you want tips on getting laid?"

"I don't see how _you_ can get laid, what with you having no dick and all."

"Oh, but I do, and don't you know it!"

He flushes red at the reference to him forcibly stripping me.

"Oh, go suck dick!"

"Dude, no thanks. I aint homo."

"BOYS!" The teacher yells, making everyone jump. "As good as it is to see that you're back to normal, _please_ do it _out_ of my lesson!"

"They did that last night, sir, and Near and I were too afraid to sleep there." L observes in his monotone.

At least he didn't say anything about the tongue-raping or tossing off in the shower.

"Exactly, we couldn't deprive poor L and Near of their sleep could we?"

Ooh. Sarcasm, Mello? That's low.

"You said it, Blondie!"

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist!

"_What_ did you just call me, you friggin' homo?"

"Nothing. But at least I don't molest chocolate and toss off over it later."

The class bursts into fits of nervous giggles at the last statement.

"Matt-"The teacher says through gritted teeth"-please leave my classroom! You can copy the work off of one of your classmates later. I expect to see you next lesson, _calmed down_."

I get up and make for the door.

"Nice one, Jeevas!" Mello sniggers as I walk past.

"All your fault, Blondie!"

I sprint the rest of the way out to dodge the – admittedly well aimed – textbook he throws in retaliation.


	7. Chapter 7

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN its the penultimate chapter!

* * *

><p>So what can I possibly do for the next hour or so until everyone returns? Play videogames of course!<p>

I was close – so close! – to winning when jerk-face distracted me. "Do you _have_ to play videogames all the time?"

I groan in despair while the game over music plays. "Do _you_ have to molest chocolate all the time?"

He decides to ignore my last statement

"It looks like all the excitement of the game has given you a little problem…" He stares downwards pointedly with a hungry look on his face. I quickly glance down – just to check.

"No it hasn't! and it's not like I have to jack over it, like you do with chocolate!"

"I don't jack over chocolate. The thing turning me on last night _definitely_ wasn't chocolate."

Um. Why is he still staring at my crotch? Ah. Me. I made him hard. Which means he's –

"Fuck! I aint homo!"

"I might just do that…" He moves so that he's straddling me and starts grinding.

Hell. No. the biting I don't mind so much, but this? Ahh, biting. No! stop this! Push him off!

Wait. Why are my hands unzipping his leather vest? Hang on, why is he _letting_ you? Ah, because he wants to take off my stripes.

Stop him! This is wrong on so many levels! FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP UNLACING HIS TROUSERS! Ooh, no boxers, hmm?

OHMYGOD! That's cold! Near stands nearby with an empty bucket in his hands. Mello, who got hit by most of the water, leapt up and began chasing him.

I don't care what happens next, really. I just want to put on my shirt and leave. I need time to think.

* * *

><p>Shit. Would someone like to tell me what the fuck is going on? Silence.<p>

Oh wait, I'm talking to myself in my head. That would explain the lack of response. This is seriously unfair. Why can't he be a girl, for god's sake?

Hang on how many proper girlfriends have you actually had? Hmm? Answer: none. Oh fuck, does this make me gay? How could I not have noticed it before now?

Oh yeah, this is the first time anyone's actually liked me in that way and shown it. Although I'm not sure Mello actually_ likes_ me, it's more of an 'I'll use him to satisfy my biting fetish and…*evil smirk*…other things.'

What's wrong with being gay anyway? They'll destroy you; ruin your life. Comments about it everywhere you go, I won't be able to cope.

What's good about being gay? One word: Mello…


	8. Chapter 8

ITS TIME FOR SOME MELLO-ACTION!

I'm sure you'll all be devastated to know that this is the last chapter

:'(

* * *

><p>MELLO<p>

That bastard, Near. I swear I'll kill the little fucker when I get my hands on him! What was that even _for_, anyway? I had just gotten Matt to react!

Sure, he was a _lot_ more eager than I had anticipated, especially since he had just claimed to not be flaming gay. But that's beside the point; I'm not saying that I didn't like it. What I didn't like was the look on his face as he slunk out of the dormitory.

He looked hurt and confused, while also scared and nervous, which is strange for the usually confident Matt.

Ooh! A flash of white! "Get back here Near! Come out and take it like a man!"

* * *

><p>Fuck, I <em>really<em> hate parties. I'm only here in case Mattie shows up. He was missing for the rest of the day and his phone is still switched off.

Ugh. I can't stand it here anymore I look around once more and fight through the throng of dancers towards the exit of the building.

I can't help but feel like I got stood up. Yes, I didn't ask him, but I still get the feeling that something would have happened if he had turned up.

Well, it clearly wont now. I plan on going back, drinking myself senseless and getting hyper off of too much chocolate.

* * *

><p>Well, that failed. Someone (whoever it is that's locked themselves in the bathroom) has drunk all my beer, the bastard. The bathroom door opens.<p>

"Who said you could drink my beer, bitch?"

"Like I care what you think of me, Blondie."

Seriously, why does he insist on calling me that? Wait, is he pissed?

"Oh, but you do."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because you fancy me. It's obvious."

He is silent. He doesn't even try to say anything to defend himself. He simply takes out a cigarette and lights it.

"So?" He asks once he's taken a drag. "What're you gonna do about it?"

Mmm. That's a tempting offer, a_ very_ tempting offer.

"This."

I smash my lips against his, enticing a low moan from him. I push him onto his bed and pull off his stripes. He falls backwards willingly when I gently push him down with his fingertips.

He sits up sharply almost as soon as his back touches the covers. I give him an impatient what now? Look. He smiles sheepishly and pulls out his DS from behind him

"Sorry."

Damn, that would've uncomfortable if we had continued with it there. His hips buck up against mine in neglect.

Holy mother of god! He's _hard_?

It's usually me who's hard first – ah. There we go. Evens now, heh.

Take that, bitch! I grind myself against him, his moans turning me on even more by the second.

* * *

><p>MATT<p>

I slowly unzip his leather vest, which soon joins my stripes on the floor. My hands explore the soft planes of his chest and stomach while he battles my tongue for dominance.

Hang on; I don't want to be the uke! I quickly flip our positions. Sure, Blondie's whining about being uke, but he's not exactly fighting it either. Bloody hell! Looks like the funs barely even started!

* * *

><p>Okay, yes I will admit it. We had sex last night. Several times, too. We both played uke at some point, so our arses hurt like hell this morning. This is why we're taking a day off from lessons.<p>

That and to have more sex. Mmmmmmm. You know what? I can't be bothered to wait for Mells to get out of the shower. I mean, it's not like he hasn't done it to me before…


End file.
